Do you want to feel old for a moment? Of course you don’t but just go along with my story anyway.
So…if you do NOT want to feel old, you should absolutely never, ever, ever work at a University.
There’s the obvious, everyone that isn’t older than you is young and vibrant, good looking and full of energy. They are still capable of acing a test and looking great just two hours after passing out from a night of keg stands and beer bongs.
And they are still full of things like idealism and optimism and all kinds of other ism’s that those of us on the upside of 29 have left behind. Life has not yet stolen from them all the blind ambition and wonderfulness that youth provides.
Our gentle reminder of our oldness for today came from one of our student workers. When playfully asked by one of the senior (really old) staff if he was being ‘Eddie Haskelly’, he asked “Isn’t that like Jimmy Hoffa?”
We here at the Leper Colony have decided that is a fantastic answer. To anything. The boss asks you if you’ve seen the Admissions Report…”Isn’t that like Jimmy Hoffa?” Your hubby asks you if you know about the Alex Rodriguez steroid scandal…”Isn’t that like Jimmy Hoffa?” Your doctor asks you if you’ve been watching your cholesterol….”Isn’t that like Jimmy Hoffa?”
Anytime you need to play dumb, or really are dumb, just pull the Jimmy Hoffa clause out and you can safely walk way the verbal victor in that conversation.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
It's In The Past!
So my 16 year old daughter is dating a 19 year old stupid boy and I don’t like it. I don’t have a lot of say in it either. See, her idiot Dad lets stupid boy stay at his house every other weekend, during his court ordered visitation weekends.
For the entire weekend.
Twice a month my 16 year old daughter is playing house with stupid boy. It would be easier to swallow if they were doing normal teen things. Going on dates, hanging out with friends, trying to find places to make out, etc.
But I’m a liar; no it would not be easier. Stupid boy is going to be 20 before she turns 17!
And the more I don’t like him, the more she does. I’ve been trying to play the ‘he’s a nice kid and I don’t have anything against him as a person, but I do have a problem with the age difference’ card but it’s backfiring on me. Now she wants to have him over at our house sometimes so I can get to know him better.
Fuck that, there is just something wrong with this kid. And I don’t want her to accidently get pregnant and pass down more idiot genes that she already inherited from her idiot father.
Bean has even tried to pull the “You can’t tell me you never dated anyone older” line. I got her back with a “Well now I know why my parents had such a problem with it.” Cause I don’t want to be the hypocrite parent who pretends to have been a saint. I want her to know its okay to be human. It’s just not okay to be stupid.
But she LOVES him! How can I deny LOVE?!?!
Idiot Dad swears that he never takes his eyes off of the two of them for the entire weekend, every other weekend, so they can’t possibly be having sex.
Really?
I asked him if he remembers how I used to sneak him into my bedroom and we’d have fuck like animals, only quiet animals as to not wake up my parents, and then I would make him sleep in the space under the basement stairs in case my parents checked in on me sleeping before they went to work. And then we would wake up and do it some more.
He said “Well that’s different, that’s the past. That was us not them.”
Seriously, he still uses the ‘that’s the past’ excuse? For this?
That just shows how blind teen girls are that they can not see that kind of stupidity in a person.
It reminds me of a pivotal moment in my and idiot Dads relationship.
Daily Grace – “I’m leaving you, I can’t do this anymore.”
Idiot Dad – “What? Why? What are you talking about?”
Daily Grace – “Because you’re cheating on me!”
Idiot Dad – “I’m not, you’re crazy.”
Daily Grace – “I walked in on you and Debbie!”
Idiot Dad – “That’s in the Past!”
Daily Grace – “IT WAS AN HOUR AGO!!!”
Idiot Dad – “There you go again! Why can’t you just leave it alone? The past is in the past and you always have to bring it up and throw it in my face!”
I don’t know what else to say about all this, except….
Please God/Goddess/Buddha/Odin/Allah/The Great Spirit/The Universe, please let my beautiful baby girl see the light relatively quickly and get through this with only minor scars on her psyche and please don’t let it fuck up her entire life.
For the entire weekend.
Twice a month my 16 year old daughter is playing house with stupid boy. It would be easier to swallow if they were doing normal teen things. Going on dates, hanging out with friends, trying to find places to make out, etc.
But I’m a liar; no it would not be easier. Stupid boy is going to be 20 before she turns 17!
And the more I don’t like him, the more she does. I’ve been trying to play the ‘he’s a nice kid and I don’t have anything against him as a person, but I do have a problem with the age difference’ card but it’s backfiring on me. Now she wants to have him over at our house sometimes so I can get to know him better.
Fuck that, there is just something wrong with this kid. And I don’t want her to accidently get pregnant and pass down more idiot genes that she already inherited from her idiot father.
Bean has even tried to pull the “You can’t tell me you never dated anyone older” line. I got her back with a “Well now I know why my parents had such a problem with it.” Cause I don’t want to be the hypocrite parent who pretends to have been a saint. I want her to know its okay to be human. It’s just not okay to be stupid.
But she LOVES him! How can I deny LOVE?!?!
Idiot Dad swears that he never takes his eyes off of the two of them for the entire weekend, every other weekend, so they can’t possibly be having sex.
Really?
I asked him if he remembers how I used to sneak him into my bedroom and we’d have fuck like animals, only quiet animals as to not wake up my parents, and then I would make him sleep in the space under the basement stairs in case my parents checked in on me sleeping before they went to work. And then we would wake up and do it some more.
He said “Well that’s different, that’s the past. That was us not them.”
Seriously, he still uses the ‘that’s the past’ excuse? For this?
That just shows how blind teen girls are that they can not see that kind of stupidity in a person.
It reminds me of a pivotal moment in my and idiot Dads relationship.
Daily Grace – “I’m leaving you, I can’t do this anymore.”
Idiot Dad – “What? Why? What are you talking about?”
Daily Grace – “Because you’re cheating on me!”
Idiot Dad – “I’m not, you’re crazy.”
Daily Grace – “I walked in on you and Debbie!”
Idiot Dad – “That’s in the Past!”
Daily Grace – “IT WAS AN HOUR AGO!!!”
Idiot Dad – “There you go again! Why can’t you just leave it alone? The past is in the past and you always have to bring it up and throw it in my face!”
I don’t know what else to say about all this, except….
Please God/Goddess/Buddha/Odin/Allah/The Great Spirit/The Universe, please let my beautiful baby girl see the light relatively quickly and get through this with only minor scars on her psyche and please don’t let it fuck up her entire life.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Twinkie Hot Dogs
So yesterday I finally felt like an actual 'one of them' within The Leper Colony. One of the guys brought in the stuff to make Twinkie hot dogs and I sent an email declaring them miraculously delicious and he thought it was the funniest thing and it suddenly dawned on me that maybe, just maybe...they like me, they actually like me.
Feels good.
Twinkie Hot Dogs
- take one Twinkie and cut it open from the bottom like a hot dog bun
- place one cooked hot dog inside Twinkie
- drizzle spray cheese on top
- eat and enjoy
Feels good.
Twinkie Hot Dogs
- take one Twinkie and cut it open from the bottom like a hot dog bun
- place one cooked hot dog inside Twinkie
- drizzle spray cheese on top
- eat and enjoy
Friday, January 30, 2009
I know this is lame, but I'm trying to set this thing up and I need something in this space to get the ball rolling. So here's the 25 Random Things About Me that's take facebook by storm...
1. One of the coolest, most spiritually moving things that’s ever happened to me was when I was driving home out in the country and a coyote ran out in front of me. I was able to avoid hitting it and then it ran along beside me, yet just ahead in my headlights, at about 20 mph for about a half mile before it jetted across me into the field on my right.
2. I think every now and then we should all just break into song and dance, ala Greace.
3. My favorite comfort food is canned cinnamon pears with heavy whipping cream poured over it. I know it’s BAD for you, but it’s simply wonderful.
4. I check craigslist and petfinders almost every day to see what animals need homes even though I have way too many animals already and know that it will only break my heart. I have this suffering soul thing where I need to remind myself that they’re out there. I know that I can only do so much but my dream is to one day run an animal rescue farm.
5. I have a few alternate fantasy lives. In one I live in a small fishing village on the Island of Milos in the Greek Isles. It’s a simple life; I run a small shop, flirt with the locals and swim in the ocean every day. In another it’s pretty much the same except I live in a stone cottage in Ireland.
6. Everything about me is enormous. I’m 5’11, I can’t find a hat to fit my head to save my life, and just recently my optometrist told me that I have huge corneas. In high school I was nicknamed Amazon Woman. I used to hate it because what I really wanted to be was a petite Hispanic girl. But now I think it’s kind of empowering and I try to use it for good and not evil. :)
7. I’ve never been a smoker but I did teach myself to blow smoke rings when I was 15 so I would look cool. I can still do it, but I don’t think it’s nearly as cool anymore.
8. I can do a spot on impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, the part where he’s trying to enter the Mars airport as a woman and his head starts to explode.
9. I am more wicked than anyone will ever know. But not in a bad person kind of way.
10. I have lived in 27 different homes in my 35 years of life. In 2nd grade I went to 3 different schools in 3 different states.
11. I think I’m over wanting to live in Alaska. It was always my dream but I’d be content to just spend some time there. I’ve learned to love where I’m at. We really do have the best of all works here in SW Michigan.
12. I am amazed by my beautiful daughter. She is way more centered and aware of life than I ever was. And she’s not afraid to call me on my own shit. I continuously try to praise her for that; I don’t want her to ever lose that sense of self worth.
13. I like rocks. I carry them around with me…in my truck, lots at home, small ones in my bra at times, on the book shelf above my bed and sometimes even in the bed while I sleep. They make me feel grounded and still when the world is crazy around me.
14. I’m going to be an Aunt this year. I can’t wait to know this little person and I hope he/she will love me as much as I already love them.
15. The woman in my family are all really strong and close. Throughout our family history, on both my mom and dad’s side, it’s been the women who’ve held the family together and have supported each other through it all. And now it’s continuing with my generation. It’s my two female cousins who I’m close with on both my Dad’s and step Dad’s sides, my sister, my daughter, and my Mom. I love our family stories, traditions and recipes that help keep us close.
16. My Grandma on my Mom’s side is the first person who I’ve lost that I really grieve for. I never understood that pain before. It’s been 9 years and it still sneaks up on me, and suddenly I am in the middle of loss again. It’s like a deep homesickness that you can never relieve, only try to distract yourself from.
17. I believe in ghosts, aliens, psychics, bigfoot, time travel, angels, reincarnation, the Loch Ness Monster, government conspiracies, magic, God, the ghost of the Christmas Lamb and just about everything else unexplainable. My theory is that I don’t need to understand something in order for it to exist. I don’t understand quantum physics either but I know it’s real.
18. I want to relearn to play the violin before I die. I wish I had never given it up, by now I would be a kick-ass fiddle player.
19. My family history is very interesting. Just on my Mom’s side, my great-grandparents were circus performers (he was a fire juggler, she swung around by her teeth and they both walked the tightrope). Later Grandpa was Al Capone’s personal tailor. Recently the family found proof of large amounts of cash being deposited into a now non-existent bank account.
20. I’m not big on pastels. I like deep, vibrant colors. Jewel tones especially, and red is my favorite.
21. My dream house has book shelves everywhere, with one of those roll around the room ladders like in Bed Knobs and Broomsticks. Which is ironic because I have book shelves everywhere now but I’m not living in my dream house. Probably because I don’t have the right ladder.
22. My favorite dreams take place under water. I don’t have to breathe and everything is soft and flowy and peaceful. My least favorite is flying dreams, even though I can fly, I’m still afraid of the height.
23. I can remember one of my past lives.
24. I think the Native Americans got living life right better than any other group of people. Well, perhaps any indigenous people. I have to confess to only knowing details of the Native Americans.
25. I love to laugh. I have the best friends and close family members who keep me laughing and loving. I am more grateful that I can verbalize for that.
1. One of the coolest, most spiritually moving things that’s ever happened to me was when I was driving home out in the country and a coyote ran out in front of me. I was able to avoid hitting it and then it ran along beside me, yet just ahead in my headlights, at about 20 mph for about a half mile before it jetted across me into the field on my right.
2. I think every now and then we should all just break into song and dance, ala Greace.
3. My favorite comfort food is canned cinnamon pears with heavy whipping cream poured over it. I know it’s BAD for you, but it’s simply wonderful.
4. I check craigslist and petfinders almost every day to see what animals need homes even though I have way too many animals already and know that it will only break my heart. I have this suffering soul thing where I need to remind myself that they’re out there. I know that I can only do so much but my dream is to one day run an animal rescue farm.
5. I have a few alternate fantasy lives. In one I live in a small fishing village on the Island of Milos in the Greek Isles. It’s a simple life; I run a small shop, flirt with the locals and swim in the ocean every day. In another it’s pretty much the same except I live in a stone cottage in Ireland.
6. Everything about me is enormous. I’m 5’11, I can’t find a hat to fit my head to save my life, and just recently my optometrist told me that I have huge corneas. In high school I was nicknamed Amazon Woman. I used to hate it because what I really wanted to be was a petite Hispanic girl. But now I think it’s kind of empowering and I try to use it for good and not evil. :)
7. I’ve never been a smoker but I did teach myself to blow smoke rings when I was 15 so I would look cool. I can still do it, but I don’t think it’s nearly as cool anymore.
8. I can do a spot on impersonation of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, the part where he’s trying to enter the Mars airport as a woman and his head starts to explode.
9. I am more wicked than anyone will ever know. But not in a bad person kind of way.
10. I have lived in 27 different homes in my 35 years of life. In 2nd grade I went to 3 different schools in 3 different states.
11. I think I’m over wanting to live in Alaska. It was always my dream but I’d be content to just spend some time there. I’ve learned to love where I’m at. We really do have the best of all works here in SW Michigan.
12. I am amazed by my beautiful daughter. She is way more centered and aware of life than I ever was. And she’s not afraid to call me on my own shit. I continuously try to praise her for that; I don’t want her to ever lose that sense of self worth.
13. I like rocks. I carry them around with me…in my truck, lots at home, small ones in my bra at times, on the book shelf above my bed and sometimes even in the bed while I sleep. They make me feel grounded and still when the world is crazy around me.
14. I’m going to be an Aunt this year. I can’t wait to know this little person and I hope he/she will love me as much as I already love them.
15. The woman in my family are all really strong and close. Throughout our family history, on both my mom and dad’s side, it’s been the women who’ve held the family together and have supported each other through it all. And now it’s continuing with my generation. It’s my two female cousins who I’m close with on both my Dad’s and step Dad’s sides, my sister, my daughter, and my Mom. I love our family stories, traditions and recipes that help keep us close.
16. My Grandma on my Mom’s side is the first person who I’ve lost that I really grieve for. I never understood that pain before. It’s been 9 years and it still sneaks up on me, and suddenly I am in the middle of loss again. It’s like a deep homesickness that you can never relieve, only try to distract yourself from.
17. I believe in ghosts, aliens, psychics, bigfoot, time travel, angels, reincarnation, the Loch Ness Monster, government conspiracies, magic, God, the ghost of the Christmas Lamb and just about everything else unexplainable. My theory is that I don’t need to understand something in order for it to exist. I don’t understand quantum physics either but I know it’s real.
18. I want to relearn to play the violin before I die. I wish I had never given it up, by now I would be a kick-ass fiddle player.
19. My family history is very interesting. Just on my Mom’s side, my great-grandparents were circus performers (he was a fire juggler, she swung around by her teeth and they both walked the tightrope). Later Grandpa was Al Capone’s personal tailor. Recently the family found proof of large amounts of cash being deposited into a now non-existent bank account.
20. I’m not big on pastels. I like deep, vibrant colors. Jewel tones especially, and red is my favorite.
21. My dream house has book shelves everywhere, with one of those roll around the room ladders like in Bed Knobs and Broomsticks. Which is ironic because I have book shelves everywhere now but I’m not living in my dream house. Probably because I don’t have the right ladder.
22. My favorite dreams take place under water. I don’t have to breathe and everything is soft and flowy and peaceful. My least favorite is flying dreams, even though I can fly, I’m still afraid of the height.
23. I can remember one of my past lives.
24. I think the Native Americans got living life right better than any other group of people. Well, perhaps any indigenous people. I have to confess to only knowing details of the Native Americans.
25. I love to laugh. I have the best friends and close family members who keep me laughing and loving. I am more grateful that I can verbalize for that.
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